When things get messy at home, it’s easy to wonder what to do. The 3 R’s—Regulate, Relate, Reason—help. They’re not magic. They just work, especially when you use them in order.

First, you help your kid settle down. Don’t talk too much, don’t rush. Sometimes it means sitting on the floor. Sometimes you just wait. Maybe you grab their favorite stuffed animal or a snack.
Next, you let them know you’re there. A lot of the time, you don’t even have to say anything deep. Just be near. If you say anything, keep it simple: “I see you,” or “That was tough.”
Once the storm passes, and only then, you try to talk things through. Keep it short. “What do you need right now?” or, “How can we make this better next time?” Not every day will be smooth, but this order keeps you both from losing it.

Why Is Regulation Important in Parenting Children with Trauma?

Kids who’ve seen hard times have triggers. Sometimes, it’s noise. Sometimes, it’s a change. Sometimes, they can’t even tell you what it is. Their bodies take over—tears, yelling, shutting down.

You don’t fix it by talking them out of it. You just ride it out with them.
My neighbor’s son hates loud TV. She just turns it off, then sits with him. No lectures. Another friend’s daughter has panic attacks at bedtime. She rubs her back and hums, slow and steady.
Sometimes, all you can do is slow things down and show you’re not leaving. You can’t shortcut this part.

How Can Parents Build Connection Through the ‘Relate’ Approach?

Once your child is less rattled, you show them they matter. Maybe they won’t look at you. That’s okay. You can still let them know you’re there.

I know a foster dad who always keeps a deck of cards handy. When his kid is upset, he shuffles and deals—no pressure to talk, but the message is clear: “You’re not alone.”
Other times, it’s just a shoulder squeeze, or making tea, or even sending the dog in for a snuggle.
Kids pick up on tone and presence more than words. If you’re patient and gentle, they start to trust. That’s the real goal.

When Should Parents Use ‘Reason’ with Their Child?

Don’t rush to explain or correct. When your child is calm, you have a window.
Sometimes it’s tiny. Sometimes you skip it altogether, and that’s fine.
If they’re ready, keep it light. “Let’s try something different next time.” Or, “What would help if you feel this way again?”

A lot of parents make the mistake of trying to reason when their child’s still upset. It never works. Wait for that little bit of peace. Even if the talk has to happen the next day.
If you miss the moment, don’t stress. There will be more.

What Are Practical Examples of Using the 3 R’s in Daily Life?

• Your child slams the door after school. Don’t chase or ask questions right away. Let them cool off. Sit nearby, maybe doing your own thing.
• Later, you knock and say, “Tough day?” If they shrug or don’t talk, that’s okay. Just being there helps.
• If the mood shifts, you might say, “Want to draw? Want a snack?”
• After things settle, maybe you can both talk about what helps after hard days.
• At bedtime, when anxiety hits, you slow things down. Lower your voice. Sit together, maybe read, maybe just listen.
• If kids fight, don’t demand apologies. Separate and let everyone calm down. Then try, “Tell me what happened, one at a time,” and listen without blaming.

None of this looks perfect. Sometimes you go backwards. That’s just parenting.

How Can Parents Support Themselves While Practicing Trauma-Informed Parenting?

This is hard work. No point pretending otherwise.

Take breaks. Even five minutes in the yard matters.

Ask for help—from friends, family, anyone who’s safe.

Some days, you’ll get it wrong. Some days, your patience runs out. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

Find one person who gets it. Maybe a neighbor, maybe an online group, maybe your own parent.

Laugh when you can, even if it’s at yourself.

Give yourself credit for the things no one else sees—getting through a tantrum, staying calm, or just not quitting.

Remember: kids heal with people, not programs. And parents do, too.

Conclusion: Bridging Communication Gaps

Parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up and learning as you go, especially when things get tough. If you want to know more about trauma-informed care as a whole, or how it shapes the way we support families at Changes for Hope, you can visit our pillar resource here. There’s help, hope, and real support when you’re ready for it.